I think I'll drive over and get an estimate.
He's not really that far away...............
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who's the vainest man of all?
Well, I don't know, but let's just say that I'll take a hammer to ANY mirror that gets too familiar with me.
I have my beauty tricks, though. One of them is, always put low wattage light bulbs
in your bathroom and/or vanity area. Or try candles.
Cover all the reflective surfaces in your house with VASELINE.
Put twenty layers of Preparation H under the eyes, around the chins, and on your cheeks and watch everything shrink, shrink, shrink.
Coat the face with Tan #5. Don't waste your time, slather it on with either a wisk mop, or use THIS:
underbid.com/action/display/item/1054549168/sku/BRU4420.htmlSpread thickly and evenly across all unsightly rough areas.
When regular make-up fails, there is always Spackle®. And thankfully, there is Bondo for the real craters.
Always face INTO the shadows; wear sunglasses regardless, carry a large newspaper for when the cruel begin to stare, and beware of flash photographers in unforseen places. Have the hands ready at a moment's notice to cover your precious punum.
When beauty fails, distractions are the answer. Fake a seizure; have a limb or extremity go into wild perturbations, as you look down at your jerking ankles, explain some non-existant medical condition calling it "Distal Myalgic Tremens", or DMT (ha-ha) as the source of your problems. Then scurry away as whoever you unleashed this on will WISH you were gone.
Cameras ARE the anti-christ on bad hair days.
in a desperate tight, you know you look rough and EVERYBODY is staring a you, begin to
wring your hands, nervously, frantically, annoyingly, as they will be far more concerned about your OCD mannerisms than how rough your visage on a particular day. They will flee you in a heartbeat.
To avoid the face in a less than optimum state from being captured by the cameras of the
damned, pretend you are having a terrible migraine, and begin messaging both sides of your face with your hands, moaning, sighing, and making deals with God under your breath. They'l only get glimpses of the problem areas if you really dig in and knead your skin like it was poppin' fresh dough.
Wintertime is so perfect for hiding your face; mufflers, collars idiotically raised half way to your hairline, and knit toboggans pulled down to eye level. Heck, pretend your a masked bank robber and just cover from the neck up.. As long as your unarmed and broke, this will fly.
These are just the beginning of my favorite subterfuges. I could go on listing my innovations, but that would deprive all of you, well only the ones with any beauty challenges, that is, of discovering these golden delights on your own, where the reward is in and of itself, so richly attained.
For you beautiful people that only have to comb your hair, wash your face, and face the world with a perfect gleam in your eye, EVERY DAY, well, then, all I can say is, "f*** ***!"*
*That's, "fine day", as in "Have a fine day!", basically.
